My 2009 began-- a long time

I am trying to find the some truth of life of everything. I did Great! I found more happy. But still have some boring around me.
1 I am a poor girl, I never save any money since I worked in 2004. I spent money every month. I don't have any save in bank. Also I don't earn too much money every month. Even some my classmate's salary is my 2 or 3 times. I don't mind most times. But sometimes, I feel bad about this. I didn't work hard sometimes or too lazy. I missed some chances of life. But I still have my favourite work now. It made me live a happy life. I should see my situation clearly. I am 26 this year. How is my future? I know everything depends on me and now. But I lost myself sometimes. Sorry for myself, I didn't plan my future too much, I think my future is up to now. And now I don't do too much things, how I can afford my future? I think I am a kid. But when I look at my dog, I know I am not kid any more, I need to feed my dog, and her life needs me. Maybe this is the stress. So actually I am not so happy inside of me. I hope I can feel like an adult. I always find someone to hold on and depend on.
2 I have more confidences about my future. Don't talk about my future any more. I think now is more important than my future.
Now, I have a chance to apply one Brazil foundation work for 6 months. Super Big challenge for me. I hope I can go to a new environment for a while then come back to beijing to work with my friend again. The language is my problem now. I don't know how it will going on.
I hate myself now. Because I waste lots of time on wasting time. i didn't study English or read any books in one year. I didn't work hard on anything or last a long time.
Tomorrow is 1st April, -- can make fool of someone. I don't want to do it. I will be serious. Haha. Just keep mu life going on and do something for tomorrow.
My poker face is so ugly, i don't like it at all. Just do some for something happens!
Go! Zhangdan! Brazil dream! Looking for a new Zhangdan.
My mind is too busy on myself and felt bad on other people's life. I hope they are doing great! I hope I am doing Wonderful!!
Keep going ahead!

Validation

Here it is:

I have this place to record my life ;-)

I have not written any kind of diary for a long time.
I am 25 now, I will be 26 next month.
Now I want to say," I really want to do something that I can do for the society and my life and all people I love and love me."
I had a gorgeous 2008. I found the LIFE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL!
Let you and me ENJOY it forever!